i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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