where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
