I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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