Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize