The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
