Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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