I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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