Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
