What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
