I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
