I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
