I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
