is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
