Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just high enough for therapy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
