hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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