I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
