so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am available for nakedness
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
