Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
