but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize