I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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