you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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