How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
