Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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