You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
