Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
