you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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