Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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