Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize