i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
