need another drink. this is the easiest way
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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