the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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