I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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