I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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