you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
