Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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