Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
