Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
