I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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