i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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