4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
