this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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