someone owes me an orgasm
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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