just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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