i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
