You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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