All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't deserve a penis
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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