Where is the hickey?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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