mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
