My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Oh god it's open bar.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
