sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
