here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
