So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
