The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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