Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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