Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
