Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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