My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize