me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
