Everything about him screamed your future.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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