Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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