I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
