I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
