When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
