Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
