I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
