Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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